This was the set of questions staring at me from the page of a study guide called "The Gospel Primer" we are going through in my small group. My answer was written with tears and a much longer answer than I had anticipated. But my pen just wouldn't stop writing and the words would not stop coming. Tears streamed down my face and God broke through a wall I didn't even realize was there. Here was my answer:
I'd love to be able to say I view myself to be God's loved child, beautiful and blameless. But in truth I'm starting to realize how much my identity is wrapped up in almost all the things listed. Horses were my thing. I was the daughter of my parents. I was good with horses, it was my talent, I showed horses, I was around that crowd. I had Nathan. I had someone. I was in a relationship.
Now I feel like I'm not quit sure who I am. I'm away from my family, my horses, my friends. I've been totally uprooted. I've been removed from everything familiar in my life for the first time. Where everything is the opposite of what it was. I no longer have my family near to rely on. I'm no longer surrounded by friends that really know me and are always willing to be there and encourage me. I no longer have my horses to occupy my time and take away my stress. I don't live in a small town in the country. I live in an apartment three stories from the ground. I can no longer walk for miles and still be on my own land. I can't just go watch my beloved sunsets. My sunsets where I felt close to God. Where such handy work was so beautifully displayed. I can't go cry to my cat or puppy and have them look and me understandingly.
I have been given the chance to really find out who I am. I'm starting something brand new. Free of the identity I've hid behind for so long. I was forced to drop that. I can't hold onto that anymore. I've got to move forward and find out just who I am in Christ.
These questions wrecked me a little bit today. Ok, a lot. No wonder I struggle with believing what God says about me. No wonder the identity the bible tells is mine doesn't look familiar. I'm so wrapped up in an identity that is surface level. That is only flesh deep.
It took getting married, moving 180 miles away from what had been home for 21 years, my family, my best friends, my church family, my horses, my many other animals, and my way of living, to realize it.
So let me introduce myself. Hi, my name is child of God. I am the bride of Christ. I am loved beyond what I am able to comprehend right now. But soon that will change. Because this is not my home, really. My home is being prepared for me right now by my Groom. He doesn't know when He's coming to get me, but thats ok because I don't know the exact time either. I know it's soon though. I'm beautiful, clean, pure, and righteous in my Father's eyes. My Groom is responsible for that. He took all my sins on Himself to save me. He endured unimaginable wrath and shame on my part even though He didn't deserve it. But because He loves me and for His glory. So while I live here I'm going to show just how much He loves and can save to those around me. Because of what Jesus, my Groom, has done for me I want to serve Him to the fullest! And I believe that involves knowing exactly who I am.
Now, let me ask you, who do you view yourself to be? What makes up your identity? (roles, relationships, family, abilities, talents, occupation?) Make a list.
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